Cleaning Muck With Mozart

The next time you clean your toilet, do the following before you start: dress down (no, not necessarily WAAAAY down, but that’d be OK too), grab a cleaning sponge, your favorite (!) bottle of toilet cleaner and then….turn on your music system and let Mozart waft out of the speakers.  Oh, and then walk to the toilet and start cleaning it up.  If you do all this, then chances are you’re an American or European or a citizen of such a developed-to-the-bone economy that everyone there has to clean their own toilets!  No self-respecting Indian would clean their own toilet, he/she would have other less-self-reflecting or poor Indians clean it for them.  Sigh.. such is the miserable life of self-respecting citizens of emerging/developing countries compared to those in the developed ones!

But that’s not the point really.  The point is that if you turned on Mozart before cleaning the toilet, the chances are you’ll be cleaning it much faster and cleaner!  German researchers have discovered that playing Mozart thru special speakers to the microbes cleaning the muck in sewage plants, actually increases their efficiency to break down the sludge.  No-one knows why this happens.  Of course, the microbes know but they were unavailable for comment, busy chomping the sludge, listening to ‘The Magic Flute’!

Reportedly, microbes are particularly partial to harmonies and rhythms, said the German researchers who discovered this phenomenon.  ”Mozart’s music has a special quality of harmony in correlation to his rhythm”, said Anton Stucky, the MD of the speaker company that did the study.  My highly scientific and educated conclusion after carefully studying this report is that Britney Spears would be much more effective in breaking down the organic muck faster than Mozart.  Well, not herself… but maybe that too!  Britney scores over (no pun here) Wolfie on both counts: her monies and rhythms.  She has made tons more money than Wolfie could even dream of.  And rhythms?  Oh my my… When she performs, her entire body is rhythm personified.  Lately, it has been rather chaotic since different body parts seem to rather incoherently jiggle to different rhythms at the same time but that’s rhythms alright!  The only problem is that Britney CREATES a lot of muck, so the net muck-cleaning could be negative.

As a highly responsible scientist and musician myself (my pee-brained distractors prefer ‘reprehensible’ to ‘responsible’ as an adjective but since this is MY blog, they can’t do anything!) I set out to prove or disprove this ‘rhythm and harmony correlation stuff’ myself.  I moved my music system to the toilet, turned on my amps full blast and blasted the crap out of the toilet with Mozart’s ‘The Marriage of Figaro’.  And lo and behold, it really blasted the crap down the toilet much faster than anybody’s business.  Then I tried the same with Britney’s ‘Oops, I did it again…’ and NOTHING happened!  And then it really dawned upon me.  Are you ready for this?…..

See, just like us humans, the male microbes try to make the female microbes do all the dirty work of muck-cleaning and all.  The female microbes (called Galcrobes in scientific terminology) being liberated these days, don’t readily oblige.  On the other hand, the guycrobes (which is another scientific name for Male Microbes) are glued to the TV and beer, watching ESPN and Playboy channels simultaneously.  A cold war ensues, galcrobes finally threaten the guycrobes with dire consequences ‘at night’, the guycrobes reluctantly try to help the galcrobes with the cleaning and that really actually slows down the process as it always does when any male tries to help any female with any work.  When Mozart is played, the galcrobes get into an euphoric state of mind and would gladly clean anything in sight while the guycrobes are too stupefyingly stunned to be able to ‘help’ the galcrobes at all.  This speeds up the process enormously.  When Britney is played (on the stereo, that is) the opposite happens.  The guycrobes ACT disgusted but are secretly bewitched into seeing how they can help after ‘Oops Britney did it again’.  The galcrobes, however, stop in their tracks and bitch to each other about everything Britney.  Hence, nothing gets cleaned.  And that, dear readers, is the real reason behind how it all really works!

So next time you have to clean your toilet, remember to turn on Mozart.  And for particularly gruesome and hard-to-clean muck, try Eminem instead!